Sadly, there are only a few memories that I would say definitely showed his real Self, in 18 years. But those few are real too. So now I just tell myself that the Pug Buckle up buttercup you just flipped my witch switch Halloween shirt and I will buy this good side is gone, dead to me, descended forever. I hate to leave him like that. But what can I do? He can’t fight his own demons, there’s no way I can. By feeling the hurt the happiness and allowing myself to allow the acceptance and give forgiveness and remind me , I love me when no one else would or has..That truly noone knows my heart and the true intentions I intend, and those moments that it was my arms I felt around myself, how could I possibly not love something about the one person that’s always known the truth , the deepest of all of me. No, I get it. I’ve tried it. And at the time, it seemed like a smart plan. But to deny your feelings is to cut off a part of yourself, and the longer you persist the more debilitating it becomes. You can’t bury just one feeling; before long, you’ve buried them all. You become disconnected. Please don’t put yourself through that. It’s a long journey back. Instead, be honest and let everything play out. The people we love won’t always be able to love us back in the way that we want, but that doesn’t make that feeling any less true or valuable. Honor your feelings, carry them with you, and trust that the world needs every little bit of love that we have to give. How hard you try to be nice and compassionate, the past resurfaces and it forces you to be rude with people who are actually good. It haunts you every single day, every new person that you meet reminds you of your first love. Every single thing that he does reminds you of the way your love used to do it. Normal things hurt more, things which you would’ve otherwise ignored or understood.